Sufjan Stevens brings you a miserable Christmas

Contrary to my initial plans, I decided to start off with someone I’m actually not that familiar with. Sufjan Stevens is an Indie singer-songwriter who’s been active since 1999. He gained acclaim among the Christmas music crowd back in 2006 with his album “Songs for Christmas.” It was a sprawling, 42-song, 5-disc release combining traditional carols with original compositions. The online Christmas music crowd loved it. I think I had my Emusic subscription at the time. I figured if all the online Christmas music sites were that keen on it, it must be great. I downloaded it, listened to one, maybe two songs, wasn’t very impressed and then forgot about it.

Six years later, he came out with “Silver & Gold.” This was even more ambitious: 58 songs, again spread over five discs with even more originals than the first. Again, the online Christmas community raved. I decided I’d buy it then listen to both albums back to back to see what the fuss was all about. Once again, I got through about two songs before deciding to shelve Sufjan yet again.

Fast forward another six years and Mr. Stevens has graced us with another Christmas release. “Lonely Man of Winter” was written by Stevens back in 2007 as part of his “Xmas Song Xchange Contest,” which was used to promote “Songs for Christmas.” He traded ownership of the song with the Alec Duffy, the contest’s winner, for Duffy’s song, “Every Day is Christmas.” The song was never released to the public and could only be heard at private listening parties held by Duffy. This year, Duffy decided to release the song on Steven’s label, Asthmatic Kitty, along with his own song and newly recorded version of “Lonely Man of Winter” by Stevens. The story behind this one really intrigued me and inspired me to finally do what I’ve been intending to do for the last dozen years and listen to his entire body of Christmas music. I plan on listening to them chronologically, by order of release, giving my opinion on each song and then on his oeuvre as a whole. I’m hoping it doesn’t turn me off to the whole idea from the start.

“Songs for Christmas,” 2006

Noel: Songs for Christmas, Vol. I

Recorded December 2001

1. "Silent Night" – This is a very nice, albeit short, instrumental version.
2. "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" – Pleasant version of one of my favorite carols.
3. "We're Goin' to the Country!" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Nice song. First original I listened to. Not overly Christmassy, but inoffensive enough that I probably wouldn’t skip it if it came up on a playlist.
4. "Lo! How a Rose E'er Blooming" – Nice vocal arrangement of a carol I don’t normally think much of.
5. "It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad!" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Folksy original. Doesn’t do much for me. The off-tune harmony is something I could really do without.
6. "Holy Holy, etc."– Short, inoffensive. I’d rather be giving higher praise than “inoffensive.”
7. "Amazing Grace"– This reminds me of a couple guys singing and strumming on a street corner, and not in a particularly good way.

Hark!: Songs for Christmas, Vol. II

Recorded December 2002

1. "Angels We Have Heard on High" – Upbeat, enjoyable instrumental version.
2. "Put The Lights On The Tree" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Started out sounding kind of fun and playful, ended up repetitive and annoying.
3. "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" – I love the hymn and would probably like Sufjan Stevens’ rendition of it better if he didn’t have that wispy, whiny, Indie delivery. Not horrible.
4. "I Saw Three Ships" – Pleasant arrangement and vocals. Probably the song I’ve enjoyed the most so far.
5. "Only at Christmas Time" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Not bad. Nothing I’d write home about, but it wouldn’t make me hit skip or change the station, either.
6. "Once in Royal David's City" – Another pretty good one.
7. "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!" – Okay instrumental.
8. "What Child Is This Anyway?" – Heavy, dreary introduction followed by breathless, whiny vocals. Just the sort of thing to make me want to hit skip. It just gets worse as the song goes on, to the point that I thought it was an entirely different song by the end. Way too long. Way, way too long.
9. "Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella" – Tinny radio voice gimmick. Yay. At this point, I don’t think Mr. Stevens should be telling anyone to bring me a torch.

Ding! Dong!: Songs for Christmas, Vol. III

Recorded December 2003

1. "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" – The instrumental section was good. The vocals were overdone but mercifully short.
2. "Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Cute lyrics, good imagery. The loud mix on the instruments gets in the way of the vocals as the song goes on but a fun song overall.
3. "We Three Kings" – Indie Folk typically isn’t a sound I’m very keen on. This is a good example of why.
4. "O Holy Night" – Not bad. Good instrumentation and decent harmonizing, even if it falters a bit toward the end.
5. "That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) I think the lyrics were decent but the dreamy, Indie vibe made me not want to listen. I suppose I could sit through it if it came on the radio but I’d probably prefer not to.
6. "Ding! Dong!" – (music by Sufjan Stevens) At least it’s short. Again, not the sort of praise I think he was going for.
7. "All the King's Horns" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) A few of these songs sound familiar, but not in a good way. They’re a bit too similar, I’m guessing because of the whole Indie Folk thing. Too many of them drag on a bit too long, as well. It’s a really stark reminder that he has lots and lots of songs and I haven’t made my way too far down the list.
8. "The Friendly Beasts" – Where’s Burl Ives when you need him? This one isn’t horrible but I’m going to have to take a break before starting on the next volume and clear my palate with some Bing, Nat, Frank, Ella…just about anyone.

Joy: Songs for Christmas, Vol. IV

Recorded December 2005

1. "The Little Drummer Boy" – Not a bad song to fall asleep to. I never saw “The Little Drummer Boy” as the sort of song you’d fall asleep to, though.
2. "Away in a Manger" – Okay, overall. This isn’t the sort of song that can be ruined by that weepy Indie sound.
3. "Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time!" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) One thing that stands out about a lot of these songs is the monotonous, incessant guitar strumming. I don’t know who thought that was a good idea for any song, let alone half of them. I’ll give this song credit for at least having an upbeat electric guitar riff that makes you think it’s not going to put you to sleep, but then Sufjan starts singing and you think that maybe you were wrong about the whole being put to sleep thing. With a title like “Hey Guys! It’s Christmas Time!” this should have been a much more upbeat, fun song. Instead, it’s a lot of weepy monotony, broken up by the same riff played with no real variation. Remember above when I said this album was acclaimed by the online Christmas crowd? The more I listen, the more my opinion of “them” drops.
4. "The First Noel" – It’s hard to mess up a traditional carol like “The First Noel.” Sufjan found a way.
5. "Did I Make You Cry on Christmas? (Well, You Deserved It!)" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) I don’t think I really deserved it, but when I think about how I’m nowhere near halfway through Sufjan’s Christmas songs, I get a little teary-eyed. My mind keeps wandering to other artists I like a lot better. Honestly, that’s most of them. I’d take Sia at this point.
6. "The Incarnation" – (music by Sufjan Stevens) There’s a difference between a motif and monotony. It’s going to be hard to get through this and actually still want to write up more reviews.
7. "Joy to the World" – (words: Isaac Watts; music; Lowell Mason) I promised myself I wouldn’t hit skip. I promised myself I wouldn’t hit skip. I promised myself I wouldn’t hit skip. I promised myself I wouldn’t hit skip…Sorry, I just have to add that this is the least joyful, most boring rendition of this song I can imagine. You’d think the title of the song would give Sufie a clue as to the sort of vibe this song should have. Nap time ain’t it.

Peace: Songs for Christmas, Vol. V

Recorded June 2006

1. "Once in Royal David's City" – Okay instrumental version of the song.
2. "Get Behind Me, Santa!" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Before I started listening to this album, I saw this title and was amused by the Biblical reference. I don’t know that the title fits the song. The song itself isn’t awful. It’s more upbeat than just about everything before it. Not one I’d likely sing along to but it has a decent, slightly odd 80s vibe and isn’t one I’d turn off. Until the end. The end is pretty stupid. And much too long.
3. "Jingle Bells" – “Jingle Bells” on the piano, played in a way to make Lucy happy.
4. "Christmas in July" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Some of these songs just sound odd. Not even a pleasant odd, just odd. Sometimes even jarring. I spent the evening listening to contemporary Christmas music, all stuff from the early 00s or later, most from the last few years or so. It was almost all much better than this.
5. "Lo! How a Rose E'er Blooming" – A solo, stripped-down version of a traditional carol played on the piano. Nothing overblown or goofy. Listenable.
6. "Jupiter Winter" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Maybe it’s just that this “music” isn’t my style. This song is pretty bad. I’m not sure who much of this would actually appeal to. It sounds kind of like background music from Star Trek: TOS, but not as good.
7. "Sister Winter" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) It’s hard keeping an open mind as each new song starts. I feel kind of like Charlie Brown and Sufie is Lucy holding the ball. “No, trust me, this one is actually really good!” This one isn’t horrible, just slow and weepy (imagine that!). You know what I listened to for the first time tonight? G. Love’s Christmas album from last year. I only heard 30-second samples of a couple songs last year and they didn’t pique my interest. I wish they had because that’s a really fun album. It’s upbeat and well-written with some funny, playful lyrics. It would go well with JD McPherson’s “Socks.” This here song ends with a bit of a flourish. Maybe flourishes would help some of these other songs. Or whiskey. Whiskey might help. Shame I don’t drink anymore.
8. "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" – I love this song. Sufie’s version isn’t bad. Instrumental. Funny story: Years ago, I’m thinking early 00s, I heard this song either on a compilation album or the radio and for some reason I didn’t think it was a Christmas song. I don’t know why because it’s pretty obviously a Christmas, or at least Advent song. Still, one of my favorite hymns.
9. "Star of Wonder" – (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Ugh, is this really seven minutes? I’m truly dreading the next album, which has a couple of really long songs, at least one of which is about unicorns. I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to get through that. I have this overwhelming feeling of dread that it will be like the Star Turtle segments from Harry Connick, Jr.’s “Star Turtle.” Those were so awful. They turned me off that album for something like twenty years. I finally listened to it sans Star Turtle last year or so and found that it’s actually a fantastic album. Getting back to this one, I’m really not into it. It’s not doing a thing for me. You know who might have helped this song? Perry Farrell. Don’t ask me why. Even though it sounds nothing like it, this song is somehow reminding me of “Pets” from Porno for Pyros. So, having Perry come blazing in singing harmony might really help this. It would at least make it more interesting and break up the rut. I still have over a minute to go. Mo. No. To. Ny. Check out that second pair of letters, Sufie, and just say no to monotony. It’s not good, especially in a seven-minute song.
10. "Holy, Holy, Holy" – He sounds a bit like he stepped on a nail at the beginning of this one. Sadly, that’s a step up from the last song. I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m really hoping to find something I like on these albums. I’m trying to stay optimistic. So many people have sung the praises of these two sprawling collections, there has to be something awfully good on one of them. I really hope I find it.
11. "The Winter Solstice" – (music by Sufjan Stevens) You know who Sufie reminds me of (or who reminds me of him)? Jon and Valerie Guerra, now known together as Praytell. The big difference is that where Sufie sounds weepy, they sound folksy. They also mix in some really fun, upbeat songs and lyrics. I don’t feel like falling asleep listening to their music; I feel like going out and walking in the snow with a hot cup of coffee, looking at Christmas decorations and possibly doing some caroling. When I listen to Sufie I feel like kicking a department store Santa and canceling Christmas. This song sucks, but at least it’s the last one on the album.

 

“Silver & Gold,” 2012

Gloria: Songs for Christmas, Vol. VI

Recorded December 2006

1. "Silent Night" - This is a vocal rendition of the traditional carol that starts off nice but ends with some jarring, discordant harmonies that ruin the overall feel of the song. It’s not that I wouldn’t listen to it again; I probably couldn’t listen to it again, considering the headache it gave me. I accidentally started with this one before realizing I had the wrong album. I won’t be listening to it again when I get back to “Silver & Gold.”
2. "Lumberjack Christmas / No One Can Save You from Christmases Past" - (music by Aaron Dessner, Bryce Dessner, and Sufjan Stevens; words by Sufjan Stevens) This song is already more interesting than the entire last album. Sufie’s not whining, there’s some okay harmonizing, the ho-ho-ho’s and lasers are not entirely awful. It falls apart at the end, though. I get the feeling Sufie’s not real good at ending a song, and the intervening six years between the last album and this one apparently didn’t help much. This song feels much longer than its 3:22.
3. "Coventry Carol" – This sounds a bit like one of those medieval sounding albums, just not as good.
4. "The Midnight Clear" - (music by Aaron Dessner, Bryce Dessner, and Sufjan Stevens; words by Sufjan Stevens) Something of a reinterpretation of “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear.” I’ve heard worse things. Quite recently, in fact. This is actually okay, but I wouldn’t add it to a playlist.
5. "Carol of St. Benjamin the Bearded One" - (music by Aaron Dessner, Bryce Dessner, and Sufjan Stevens; words by Sufjan Stevens) The first half of this song borrows heavily from “Carol of the Bells.” The second half sounds like an entirely different song. It almost sounded good, then it fell apart. I shouldn’t have started my reviews with Sufie. I have some really good albums I want to review and this could really derail me.
6. "Go Nightly Cares" – This isn’t bad. I hope he doesn’t ruin it by singing, or doing a bunch of goofy, repetitive crap at the end. Nope, it ended okay.
7. "Barcarola (You Must Be a Christmas Tree)" - (music by Aaron Dessner, Bryce Dessner, and Sufjan Stevens; words by Sufjan Stevens) I keep telling myself, “Imagine you’re listening to John Denver & The Muppets for the first time!” I’m really trying to keep an open mind and not prejudge these songs, but this one is like seven minutes long. Did I ever tell you about the time back in college, when I was losing a bunch of weight and hit the 100-lbs mark? We went out to an all you can eat seafood restaurant. I ate eight plates full of seafood: shrimp, crab legs, more shrimp, hush puppies. It was great! It probably wasn’t the best way to celebrate losing 100 lbs, but that was one heck of a meal. I could go for some shrimp right now. I wouldn’t even be particular about how it’s prepared: fried, steamed, cocktail shrimp, scampi, etc. I’ll tell you what—plate after plate after plate of shrimp wouldn’t be boring or monotonous. It would be fun and fulfilling. Or at least filling. It would be much better than this song.
8. "Auld Lang Syne" – I’m not a big fan of “Auld Lang Syne” being on Christmas albums, but I suppose some people feel obliged. Not me. If I ever release a Christmas album, I won’t sing “Auld Lang Syne.” This one’s bad. Is that a theremin mixed in with the whistling and possibly kazoos? Ugh.

I Am Santa's Helper: Songs for Christmas, Vol. VII

Recorded December 2007

1. "Christ the Lord Is Born" – Stick with simple arrangements of classic carols on the piano and you might end up with a decent album.
2. "Christmas Woman" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) I’m starting to tear up every time one of his originals plays. I’m not a big fan of gimmicky, “stunt” guest appearances on Christmas albums but this is one that might have benefited from it. This song sounds weird. Having Stevie Nicks burst in on it couldn’t have ruined it. After a long, drawn out, really bad, repetitive stretch of a choir singing “Christmas Woman” over and over, Sufie comes in with a somewhat okay harmony that sounds promising but then doesn’t really go anywhere. I don’t get the acclaim some have for him.
3. "Break Forth O Beauteous Heavenly Light" – This would probably sound good from a decent choir. At least it’s only a minute.
4. "Happy Family Christmas" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Get rid of the choir. One weepy guy is bad enough. Thirty weepy singers is torture. And then this turns to real crap. He should have gotten the guy from “Police Academy” to make the instrument noises. That really, really sucked.
5. "Jingle Bells" – Dumb, not enjoyable. Shatner or Robert Goulet from “The Simpsons” are far, far better. He throws in a lot of off-key stuff. Sufie, that’s not good. Just a word of advice.
6. "Mysteries of the Christmas Mist" - (music by Sufjan Stevens) Remember when you were a kid and you’d go to your one aunt’s house, the one who had been an aspiring musician and still has all her failed instruments in the basement or back room, and you and your cousins would love getting together to play band? You’d each pick an instrument and make noises that were almost musical, but to your seven-year-old ears sounded absolutely awesome? You’d rock out, each of you playing your own quasi-melody until your mom came down and yelled at you to knock off that racket? That’s this song.
7. "Lift Up Your Heads Ye Mighty Gates" – Some of Sufie’s traditional hymns aren’t awful. That’s my advice to him. “Stick with the traditional stuff and you won’t be awful!”
8. "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" – This sounds pretty much just like Twisted Sister’s version, which is the one song on that album I don’t listen to.
9. "Ah Holy Jesus" - (words by Johann Heermann: music by Johann Crüger) Funny, I’ve blurted that out quite a few times while listening to these albums. Some of this “harmonizing” is just way off. It gets painful at times. I still see this CD at the stores, new and used. I should print up warning stickers.
10. "Behold! The Birth of Man, the Face of Glory" - (music by Sufjan Stevens) I remember that one time me and my best friend, Matt, went to Hauer’s Music and bought instruments. I got a Jew’s harp and he got…something. Maybe a harmonica. We went back to my parents’ house, went down in the basement and made the same sort of “music” my cousins and I would make as kids. This is no different.
11. "Ding-a-ling-a-ring-a-ling" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) This is quite a bit different. Well, not entirely. It’s the whole “let’s pretend we’re musicians” thing, but with really bad lyrics. I think each and every one of those reviews I’ve read online where they say they listen to these albums every Christmas are absolute lies. Absolute, total, hipster lies.
12. "How Shall I Fitly Meet Thee?" - (music by J.S. Bach; adapted by J. Troutbeck) I suspect that at some point in the Middle Ages there was a monastery where all the monks who couldn’t carry a tune ended up. Their ghosts inspired this album.
13. "Mr. Frosty Man" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Sufie thinks he’s clever. So does his mom. At least, that’s what she tells him. Moms are like that. Mrs. Stevens, you really need to quit it. Don’t encourage him.
14. "Make Haste to See the Baby" - (music by Sufjan Stevens) I’m still just on disc two. That really upsets me.
15. "Ah Holy Jesus" – There’s those discordant monks again! Get a tuning fork, guys!
16. "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" – One of my favorite Christmas albums is the one by the Brady Bunch. They’re kids, they’re offkey, but it’s cute and endearing. Sufie and his friends aren’t cute and endearing. They’re not kids. They are offkey. Bad, Sufie!
17. "Morning" - Wikipedia has this noted as “Sacred Harp.” What is Sacred Harp? Sacred Harp singing is a tradition of sacred choral music that originated in New England and was later perpetuated and carried on in the American South of the United States. The name is derived from The Sacred Harp, a ubiquitous and historically important tunebook printed in shape notes. The work was first published in 1844 and has reappeared in multiple editions ever since. Sacred Harp music represents one branch of an older tradition of American music that developed over the period 1770 to 1820 from roots in New England, with a significant, related development under the influence of "revival" services around the 1840s. This music was included in, and became profoundly associated with, books using the shape note style of notation popular in America in the 18th and early 19th centuries. Sacred Harp music is performed a cappella (voice only, without instruments) and originated as Protestant Christian music.—From Wikipedia. Oddly enough, this is instrumental. I’d say this is definitely the best thing on this disc so far, for whatever that’s worth.
18. "Idumea" - (Sacred Harp) This is vocal. I guess it’s more of an authentic Sacred Harp sound. I don’t know, to be honest. It sounds like more offkey harmonizing. Pained, offkey harmonizing. Talk about a long four minutes.
19. "Eternal Happiness or Woe" - (music by Sufjan Stevens) Cacophony! Cacophony! Cacophony! Yelling “cacophony” three times as loud as you can is more melodious than this.
20. "Ah Holy Jesus" – See, even Sufie’s saying it now.
21. "I Am Santa's Helper" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Have you ever seen “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”? I love the theme song, “Hooray for Santy Claus.” As notoriously bad as that movie is, this song never would have made it into the movie. It’s far too bad for that. So much of this is so juvenile. See my explanation above. I’m certain that me, my brother and my cousins captured far better “songs” on my brother’s old 1978 Panasonic Slimline cassette recorder than a lot of what’s on here.
22. "'Maoz Tzur' (Rock of Ages)" - (traditional Jewish hymn) Instrumental, decent piano. It is what it is.
23. "Even the Earth Will Perish and the Universe Give Way" - (music by Sufjan Stevens) And then someone went and stepped on the bagpipes. Poor bagpipes. Again, anyone who tells you they listen to this is lying to you.

Christmas Infinity Voyage: Songs for Christmas, Vol. VIII

Originally recorded December 2008, as "Astral Inter Planet Space Captain Christmas Infinity Voyage: Songs for Christmas Vol. 8"; box set version re-recorded 2011-2012

1. "Angels We Have Heard on High" - (music & words by Sufjan Stevens [based on the original hymn]) Sufie, when you muck with traditional carols, they just get worse. And they give me one monster of a headache. By the way, this is the disc with the 15.5-minute track. You can’t imagine how I’m dreading that. This one’s only four minutes but it feels like forty.
2. "Do You Hear What I Hear?" – This is 9.5 minutes long and starts right out with the electro beats and autotune. I have a bad enough headache already. What is this, a Daft Punk Christmas? Whatever it is, it sucks tremendously. Kind of like when I was sick on Christmas. I think I was seven. I was really sick, throwing up with a high fever, but I still had to go along to my grandparents’ house. I sat on the couch in a semi-vegetative state the whole time. It was awful. I don’t think I was even able to open my fits on my own. I’d take that over listening to this travesty again. If you’ve ever seen “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” (the movie with Peter Frampton and the Bee-Gees, not the Beatles’ album), Sufie abducted that stupid robot and had her sing backup on this. At least she’s better than the sassy robot from “Solo.” That thing was horrendous. And I’m only halfway through this awful song. You know, I have some truly awful Christmas albums, including Mae West’s. I’d sooner listen to that again than this. This is painfully atrocious. If the 15-minute song is anything like this, I’ll have to throw in the towel on it. This is making me nauseous. I’m praying for repressed memory syndrome to kick in after this. I could see this playing at an office Christmas party…in Hell. It’s really that bad.
3. "Christmas in the Room" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) After that abortion of a Christmas song, anything is better. This doesn’t sound atrocious, but it could be because of the…oh, wait. It’s falling apart. This time only about 1/3 of the way in. You know, Mickey Rooney’s Christmas album, “Merry Merry Micklemas,” is infamously bad. It’s better than this. This album, I mean. This song isn’t the worst but it suffers from the same memes and tropes that afflict almost all of Sufie’s songs. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
4. "It Came Upon the Midnight Clear" – Oh, geez. And electronic version of “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear.” Nobody was asking for that, Sufie. This is stupid. Is Meco in the studio with you? He did it better, by the way.
5. "Good King Wenceslas" – What the crap? Over four more minutes of this electro-pop garbage?!? Shatner did a much better “’Good King Wenceslas.” This just gets worse. I think I heard R2-D2. Sufie got the rummage sale Meco vibe just right, though. That’s not a compliment, by the way.
6. "Alphabet St." - (words & music by Prince) Prince is rolling over in his grave, and, while doing so, is still far funkier than Sufie.
7. "Particle Physics" - (music by Sufjan Stevens) Okay, more of the seven-year-old play-music like above, but this time it was when we were ten or so and my brother got his Casio keyboard. “Hey, what’s this button do?!?” “I don’t know! Let’s find out! It made a noise. THAT’S ANOTHER SONG!!!”
8. "Joy to the World" – Please, stop. This garbage is 5.5 minutes long. Can you tell how my attitude has changed? I’m ready to take the kids’ presents back and chop down the tree. This is awful. And it just keeps going.
9. "The Child with the Star on His Head" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Okay, this started out with some stupid banter, which isn’t a good sign. It’s over 15 minutes and has a stupid title. I don’t expect anything good from this. Instead, I’ll talk about Hemimastigotes. That’s a very rare microorganism that some scientists recently did DNA tests on and found that it’s so distantly-related from every other type of life out there that it belongs to its own, entirely new kingdom. Animals and fungi are more closely related to one another than either are to Hemimastigotes. That’s pretty cool, if you ask me. You know what’s not cool? Sufie. I can’t even really listen to this stupid song. I was listening to some really awesome Christmas music earlier. I’ll have to listen to as much of it as I can later today. In the meantime, I want to get through as much of Sufie as possible, as quick as possible, so I don’t have to listen to him ever again. Hearing this crap just dredges up bad Christmas memories. And I don’t mean like watching “The Star Wars Holiday Special” for the first time, but like really awful, personal memories. This is just awful. Is that a dying modem I hear? No, that’s Sufie. This sucks, sucks, suck, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks. How bad does it suck? Let me tell you a story. There was this kid I went to grade school with. One year, he was like seven or eight—you know, not nearly old enough to really understand the consequences of some of his actions. His little sister was four or so—you know, not really old enough to really understand if her older brother told her something like Santa wasn’t real. He was having a bad Christmas because it was the first time he really noticed the favoritism and how spoiled his baby sister was. All throughout November and December it piled up until he couldn’t take it and needed to lash out. Two days before Christmas, they were coming home from the store where he’d gotten nothing but his sister, just days before Christmas, had gotten a bunch of new toys and a dress. He was understandably hurt. He pulled his baby sister aside and told her there was no such thing as Santa Claus. She didn’t really grasp what he was telling her and by the next day had forgotten all about it. His dad, though, went ballistic. Screaming, red-faced, spanked him severely, the works. His dad gave him the cold shoulder all Christmas Eve. Christmas morning, there’s a ton of presents under the tree. As they start opening them, he notices that they’re all for his sister. Not a single one is coming his way. By the time they’re all open, he’s bawling his eyes out. He wasn’t really trying to hurt his sister, he was just reacting like a kid is apt to do. Well, after all the presents are open, his parents take him aside and tell him that since he clearly doesn’t believe in Santa and doesn’t care how his words might affect someone else, he doesn’t need any gifts from Santa. They take him in the spare room and show him all his gifts, unwrapped, stuffed in a couple bags. The next day they take him to Goodwill and make him hand over each gift one by one, then tell him they hope he remembers it so he doesn’t ever treat his sister that way again. As bad as that Christmas sucked for him, it was only a fraction of how bad this stupid, drawn out mess of electronic noises sucked.

Let It Snow: Songs for Christmas, Vol. IX

Recorded December 2009

1. "I'll Be Home for Christmas" – If you’re going to be that whiny and weepy, I don’t want you home for Christmas. I’m so tempted to just make up reviews for the rest of the songs and call it a day. I truly hate this album.
2. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" – The backup singers are so awful. I’d say they ruin every song they’re on, but Sufie should take all the credit. It’s just so bad.
3. "The Sleigh in the Moon" - (words & music by Cat Martino) I’m running out of bad things to say, which isn’t good because there’s still quite a ways to go. This would be good music to sleep to if it didn’t suck so bad. It’s another one that doesn’t know when to end.
4. "Sleigh Ride" – Ugh, more of those stupid, 1970s electronic noises. I have “Christmas in the Stars” already. I don’t need this garbage.
5. "Ave Maria" – Keeping up the tradition of taking songs you can’t rightfully screw up, and screwing them up.
6. "X-mas Spirit Catcher" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) I think Sufie’s original songs are bringing on a bout of depression. That pretty much as far from the reaction a Christmas song should evoke as you can get. Sufie, you’re a one-man war on Christmas. This is one of those (there’s so many of them) that gets worse and worse as the song goes on. And stupider.
7. "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" – Oh, crap, this starts out awful. Can it really go downhill from here? Because it’s pretty much at rock bottom now. This isn’t a song whose sound makes you ask, “Who died?” Just barely two minutes and it feels like forty.
8. "A Holly Jolly Christmas" – “A Holly Jolly Christmas” as a dirge. Not good.
9. "Christmas Face" - (words & music by Sebastian Krueger) This one isn’t despicable. That’s about as close as I can get to a compliment.

Christmas Unicorn: Songs for Christmas, Vol. X

Recorded December 2010

1. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" – I’m coming back to this after a four-day break. I really couldn’t go on. This starts out upbeat, which is a positive sign. The percussion is a bit odd but not so unpleasant that it alone would get me to turn this off. The singing gets discordant and annoying about halfway through, which is when the music also takes a turn for the worse. Judy Garland this ain’t. It makes me sad. How can a relatively upbeat song on such a dismal collection make one sad? Just give this a listen.
2. "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" – Quirky. Not good, just quirky.
3. "Up on the Housetop" – At least I’m in the home stretch. This is sort of an electronic/hip-hop blend. Maybe if it was someone else doing the exact same song, I might like it, or at least tolerate it. I’ve lost pretty much all my good will as far as Sufie is concerned. So far, though, if I had to pick one song to not turn off from this disc, this one might be it. Then again, “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” is only 40 seconds long so it would probably get that vote in the end. And, like so many of these other songs, this ends with a long, annoying, repetitive stretch. Learn when to quit, Sufie.
4. "Angels We Have Heard on High" – Not really hate-able, and under a minute.
5. "We Need a Little Christmas" – All his songs where it sounds like Sufie brought a big gaggle of his friends into the studio with him make me angry right off the bat. I was going to say this is the least offensive of that bunch, but the sliding nows changed my mind. This doesn’t raise my ire quite like some of the other songs do, but I don’t like it.
6. "Happy Karma Christmas" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Unpleasant percussion and mopey singing. If this were a Seal song, which I could see it being, it would be a bad one. Take note of that, Seal.
7. "We Three Kings" – Under a minute and instrumental, so it’s not the worst song on the album. I can’t tell you how much I’m dreading having to sit through “Christmas Unicorn.”
8. "Justice Delivers Its Death" - (var. & arrangement by Sufjan Stevens; based on the song "Silver & Gold" by J. Marks) “Let’s take a fun, wonderful song and turn it into a depressing, dirge-like meditation on death!” Great idea, Sufie. You suck.
9. "Christmas Unicorn" - (words & music by Sufjan Stevens) Bad music and stupid lyrics. Not a good start for a 12.5-minute magnum opus. I’m kind of torn at this point. I’m glad I’m finally to the last song on the album, but I’m really upset about another 9.5 minutes of this garbage. The music isn’t even interesting, with the repetitive drums and 70s laser sounds. It’s like something Meco crapped out and tried to forget about. I really hope it doesn’t continue on like this. I’m really going to have to pick something I love to review after this, otherwise there’s no way I’ll keep at it. This was just awful and depressing. One good thing (spoiler alert) is that I listened to “Lonely Man of Winter” the day it came out so I know I’ll get to end this long, horrible process on a more positive note. “Christmas Unicorn” is horrible, though. I read a review once that praised it as a new Christmas classic. I don’t know what that guy was smoking. I’m into my fifth minute or so of “I’m the Christmas Unicorn/You’re the Christmas Unicorn/It’s all right/I love you!” and it’s as awful as that sounds. For the record, as I’m writing this, it’s now Thanksgiving, 2018. I’m not giving thanks for this travesty. I am thankful that we watched “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” last night. That’s always fun. This certainly isn’t. I’m so totally disinterested in it now that it’s not making me as angry as before, which is a good thing. My individual reviews of the songs probably wouldn’t have been as spiteful and cynical if I’d taken them in smaller doses but that would have taken me until June to finish. Despite its ponderous length, I can’t say that “Christmas Unicorn” is the worst song on these albums. It’s certainly no good, and listening to it for almost a quarter of an hour doesn’t make it any better, but there are other much worse songs here.

“Lonely Man of Winter,” 2018

1.       Lonely Man of Winter – Here’s something funny: When I first listened to this, I liked it. That was before I sat through every other one of Sufie’s Christmas songs back to back to back to back to back, etc. Now, I’m not a fan. It’s better than just about anything else on those first two albums, but I don’t think I’d want to listen to it after this. Maybe in a couple years when I have some distance between me and the rest. Not now, though.

2.       Lonely Man of Winter (Doveman Mix feat. Melissa Mary Ahern) – First thing that gets to me about the remix is the percussion and synthesizers, which were stolen straight from one of Sufie’s other songs. That’s a bad, bad sign. Mary Ahern’s breathless harmony doesn’t add anything pleasant to the song. Stick with the original and forget about the remix. Or forget them both; you won’t be missing much.

3.       Every Day is Christmas (Alec Duffy) – Simple, earnest, not unpleasant but mostly forgettable. Which makes it one of the best here.

Bottom line: I’m really glad I only spent a total of $6-7 on these three albums, spread out over the last twelve years. I was hoping to find a gem on here but that certainly wasn’t the case. My intent with these reviews was to try to expose you, dear reader, to some great new (to you) Christmas music that you’re not likely to hear on the radio. While you certainly shouldn’t ever hear this on the radio, that’s the only criteria this meets. Try to avoid this. In fact, you should probably also try to avoid anyone who recommends it.